Important Message

Important Message from Human Resources:

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised taht you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing adidas sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you don't need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contmeplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.

Have a nice day. Human Resources.


Sound like your company?????????

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